THERE ARE TWO WOLVES IN YOUR HEART - WHICH ONE DO YOU FEED?

This to me is one of the most beautiful and powerful legends, usually attributed the American Indian Cherokee wisdom tradition – I invite you to read on: 

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

If we are even slightly honest with ourselves, deep at heart we know this is true.  Inside ourselves, we have both the good wolf and the evil wolf lying next to each other. And it would just be anecdotal if it were not so transcendental:  the wolf we pay more attention to wins and rules our lives,

We can be honest and sweet and caring and generous and compassionate and, a second later, we can be dishonest and bitter and selfish and cheap and non-caring.  And sometimes we don’t even have to wait a second for us to turn into the evil wolf; it seems that we can even be both wolves at the same time.  We give ourselves such a feast without even noticing that it is happening!  We would reason: “it is just life being life, just me being me.”

Actually, there is quite some truth in the fact that we can be the bad wolves and that when we are, it is because it is “me being me.”

Ever since Adam and Eve lost the paradise and were thrown into the jungle, I have been genetically wired to remember danger and to look for it, to be aware that fear is my friend, that it protects me and it warns me of all hazards and risks, and helps me kill and destroy the enemy in whichever way I can. 

At the slightest provocation and hint of fear, my ancestral body-- the bad wolf-- was ready to fight or flight.  The jungle that I roamed was full of dangers and I needed to be ready for it.  I had to make sure to feed my bad wolf so he would be ready to help me get out of danger or to attack.  Spending time smelling the flowers or becoming enraptured with the beauty of a sunset was out of the question.  The risk was immense, without vigilance for what could go bad, made me an easy target, unable to respond to threats. 

I don’t live in the jungle any longer.  At least not in nature’s jungle.  We as species have evolved and the need to feed the fearful, ferocious wolf that would keep us safe has passed. Most of us live lives in which we don’t need to sharpen our teeth to kill our enemies.  Our ancestors’ evolutionary need for keeping fear alive is quite irrelevant in our lives today.  But we still keep the physiological and neurological memory of those days, and we remain wired for fight and flight.  Thus the bad wolf is still roaming inside us, always on call.   

The emotional, psychological and physiological traits we inherited from our ancestors have a side effect that is quite pernicious.  This harmful side effect is called: negativity bias.  What psychologist Rick Hanson describes colorfully saying that we are Velcro for bad and Teflon for good. 

This bias feeds and grows the bad wolf inside us, and left unchecked it colors our entire life experience with negativity, mistrust, drama and fear. 

If you don’t think it is possible that we have this active Velcro gene directing the way we relate to life, take a minute and think about a few instances.  For example:  what do you remember more, the four times when your partner interrupted you last night or, the times when he did not interrupt and you both had a nice interaction; what does your teenager son remembers more, the few times when you were late to pick him up at school or, all the other times when you were on time; what do you remember more, the compliments you received for the way you looked in a particular outfit or, the outfit you felt so “ugly” in;  what do you remember more, the good time you had last week at work or, the damaging remarks you heard from one of your colleagues.

I hope you get the idea, because next time when you find yourself in that thought route, know it is your Velcro bias acting up and feeding the ugly wolf.  And if you are not aware of this he can definitely shape your life in a way that is not really conducive to creativity, abundance or happiness.

The Velcro in you shapes your life not only in remembering and noticing the negative more than the positive but if left unchecked it is behind all your choices as well as behind all your important life decisions.  It is the shadow that envelops you when you have a dream you want to bring into your life, a new job you would like to explore, a change of careers, a new book you want to write, even a new look, anything that is new and you are passionate about!!! All your decisions are shaded by the blanket of fear that is at the base of all negativity. It keeps you safe in the stable; it immobilizes you into surrendering to what is acceptable and normal.

I am sure you will agree that happiness is not evil wolf's favorite instrument!

Fortunately you have another wolf too:  The Good Wolf.  He is not afraid and he is all love and compassion and he dreams big dreams, and he applauds and fans your passions, he wants true happiness to be your life experience.  And when you allow him to work with you, he delivers true happiness.

Problem is that most of the time we don’t hear or notice the good wolf.  The gnawing noise of the bad wolf is so loud that it may drown the enticing softness of the good wolf’s music. And happiness passes us by.

THE QUESTION IS THEN:  HOW DO WE GET RID OF THE BAD WOLF?

By learning to feed the good wolf.  By learning what to feed him and how to feed him.

We feed him the fruit of our inner strengths.  Those attributes, conditions and states of mind that characterize the good wolf.  Those described by the old Cherokee as joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

 As we mindfully develop them and they start to take roots in ourselves, the good wolf becomes stronger, and the bad wolf weakens and withers away.

We feed him using a similar method to the one we use to attract what we want, that which we desire.   But in this case the objective is not to create from the un-manifest to the manifest, but instead, to create and grow inner strengths.  We focus on a conscious inner process of encoding those attributes in the nervous system.   A slight subtle change of focus but the process is quite similar.  In the book Happiness No Matter What! I go into detail teaching on how to consciously create and bring that which you want into your life.  
In the next post we will work with the specific method that will lead you to identify those attributes you want to attract to you and also  on how to incorporate them into your being in a way that they become permanent.

In a way, it is a magical method, because as you will see, it is a very process that is extremely powerful and it will transform your life. You don’t need to believe in anything, it is based on the scientific cognitive principles of the learning process.

I will walk you through the specific steps to grow your inner strengths so that they stick with you into a happier and more creative and peaceful life for ever!

Till next time! 

In the meantime, if you enjoy it please share with friends.  And if you have a moment, please leave your comments.  I would love to read them.

Be well, be happy,

Monica

PS.  The wolves could be feminine or masculine or a mix.  Fear is not gender dependent. 

WHAT MUSIC DOES TO YOUR BRAIN. AMAZING!

This post draws from Tony Robins' post on Music and the Brain.  

Whole article is important but it becomes truly transcendental when he emphasises the impact music has on children, adolescents AND babies...

Music is a pervasive part of our daily lives, whether we notice it or not. Often, it melts into the background – on the radio, in the doctor’s office, at the supermarket or in the gym. While other times, it plays a more pronounced and overt role – if you’ve ever been to a Tony Robbins event, then you know how critical the playlist is. But what you may not know is just how profound the impact music has on us.

Music has the ability to impact us in a way that no other art form does. It unearths something deep within us that allows us to be transported to a specific place and time in our lives. We can actually experience who we were through sound. Have you ever considered the soundtrack of your life? What would it be? And how does each song make you feel?

This is the power of music. But it doesn’t stop at nostalgia.

Humans are hard-wired to enjoy music, since it activates the brain’s reward system – the part of the brain that signals to us whether something is important, valuable or necessary for survival. When we hear music that we enjoy, our brains release dopamine and we experience a natural high. It’s the same process that happens when we eat or have sex. But here’s the thing – unlike food and sex, music isn’t just about survival. It’s so much more than that.

Music is one of the most powerful tools for self-expression that we have. It allows us to think and to feel in ways we may not be naturally pre-disposed to. It has the power to expand our cognitive range. It has the power to move and inspire. It has the power to connect. And it even has the power to heal.

Music As Medicine

We all know that music can evoke certain emotional responses. A zen-like playlist, for example, can lull us into sleep. Or soft, melodic tunes can help relax us after a hard day at work. But did you know that music can actually translate into physiological benefits?

In a study out of the University of London, researchers examined patients who were about to undergo surgery and monitored the impact music had on their stress levels. They found that listening to music before, during and after the procedure reduced people’s pain, anxiety and need for sedatives.

Music is also being used to help those inflicted with neurological deficits. Those recovering from stroke or traumatic brain injury, for example, are not able to speak when their left-brain region has been damaged. But singing is a function of the right side of the brain, so by learning how to sing their words then eventually dropping the melody, those inflicted can ultimately overcome the impairment. This is what former U.S. Representative Gabby Giffords did after a gunshot wound took away her ability to speak.

Music & Kids

Think of the alphabet song. “A, B, C, D, E, F, G…” – you know the tune. Ever wonder why they teach children the alphabet that way? Because music has been shown to help kids remember basic facts, in large part because songs tap into the fundamental system in our brains that are sensitive to melody and beat.

Music also has the power to enhance the emotional and social lives of children and adolescents. A recent study that examined how children and adolescents handle emotional issues, researchers saw that 8- to 16-year olds who received music therapy had significantly improved confidence and significantly reduced depression when compared to those who had treatment without music therapy. They also found that music therapy helped adolescents improve their communicative and interactive skills.

Music & Babies

Have you ever seen an expecting mother place a pair of headphones onto her growing belly? There’s a good reason for it. Contrary to what we may believe, babies are not born as blank slates. In fact, they have already accumulated a significant amount of experience with the surrounding world.

Researchers found that “newborns seem to react to sounds during the fetal period and respond distinctly to them after birth.” And they pinpointed the 27-week gestational mark as when the external auditory input begins to reorganize the auditory cortex. Simply put – in the second trimester, the fetus not only experiences sound, but is influenced by it as well. But what is really fascinating about this study is the long-term implications. The researchers found that prenatal exposure to music can have “significant effects on the developing brain and enhance neural responsiveness to the sounds used in prenatal training.” In short, that means playing music to your unborn child will boost cognitive performance later on in life.

But the power of music doesn’t stop there for babies. Engaging and interactive musical experiences can have a significant impact on cognitive development in their earliest years.

In a study of 1-year old babies (who could not talk or walk yet) participating in interactive music classes, researchers found a significant increase in communication and reaction skills. While researchers at the University of Washington’s Institute for Learning and Brain Sciences found that play sessions with music improved babies’ brain processing of new speech sounds. So those baby music classes? They might not seem so silly now.

LET RUMI'S WISDOM CHANGE YOUR MIND - CHANGE YOUR LIFE

How Will I Know?

You miracle-seekers are always wanting signs

So where are they?

Go to bed crying and wake up the same,

Plead for what doesn't come

Until it darkens your days.

Give away everything, even your mind,

Sit down in the fire, wanting to become ashes, 

And when you meet with a sword,

Throw yourself on it.

Fall into the habit of such helpless mad things --

You will have your sign. 

This magnificent chain of thoughts drops into the soul and bathes it with beauty and also with ancient truth.

In this ecstatic longing for god Rumi warns us about the perils of giving in to negativity. 

In a few stances, he turns the light into what really happens to your mind and soul when you fall into “the habit of such helpless mad things…”

Rumi is not advocating wishful thinking, or make believe all is right.  He is exulting the fact that what you need to know is already in you.   No external sign will change that truth.

Just know it, accept it and stop doubting and asking for signs.  Know it is there for you and refuse to let doubt and negativity bend you down, take you into the abyss of helplessness and tears. 

Rumi is adamant about the danger and nefarious consequences of giving into the darkness of the mind:  “You meet with a sword… throw yourself on it.”

In Happiness No Matter What!  We explore the way of the knower, the Rumi way: The Fifth Principle states:  “You Are a Powerful Creator!   It exhorts you to:  "Own the power of your thoughts and transform your life.”

Practice the way of the knower.   Learn how a few profoundly transformative exercises lead you into thinking yourself into a happier more successful you and into a richer more prosperous life.

WANT TO DEVELOP A HEALTHY MIND?

THE KEY TO DEVELOPING A HEALTHY MIND IS TO TRAIN IT SO WELL THAT YOU CAN CALL IT ON DEMAND.

There are almost as many definitions of happiness as there are people who seek it, and countless theories about how to be happy. In Part One of this book, I stated my own definition of happiness as a particular state of consciousness or state of mind. I also greatly appreciate the wisdom of Matthieu Ricard, the French monk whom the media calls “the happiest person in the world.” He defines happiness as a deep sense of flourishing that arises from an “exceptionally healthy mind.”

This exceptionally healthy mind is an extraordinarily capable mind that is profoundly peaceful, compassionate, and happy. This kind of healthy mind is not reserved for monks in the caves of the Himalayas, or for those supposedly born with happy genes. It is available to everyone, including you and me.

This First Principle is fundamental to your transformation and as such, it provides the basic structure for the entire Seven Principles Program. It will show you how your mind works and functions and will teach you how to train it and take care of it. As you apply it with practice and discipline, you will be able to transform your mind and the quality of your life. If you are like most of us, you are probably used to looking to the outside world to understand your feelings. If you are happy, sad, focused, or unfocused, you tend to blame or praise something out there, something external.

The problem with this way of understanding your feelings is that it makes you a passive recipient—life just “happens to you.” By relating to the outside world in this way you relinquish control, become a victim of your circumstances and other people, and make a sustainable peaceful state of mind impossible.

Of course, outside events can and will influence every aspect of your being. But how you deal with these events is directly related to your state of mind. A healthy mind will have a more wholesome, more creative, kinder response to any given external situation than a foggy, obscure, congested mind. A healthy mind does not negate the events that send you spiraling into sadness or fear. On the contrary, a healthy mind is fully present with what is happening to you, internally and externally. It is fully present with your sadness or fear, an, and fully aware of the depth of your emotions. It is that heightened state of clarity that gives you the freedom to consciously choose whether to resist, blame, or hold onto the emotion you are experiencing. This can only be so because a healthy mind is connected with the reservoir of acceptance, love, and peace that is your intrinsic nature, your Self.

And you don’t need to be a monk in saffron robes, or a nun or saint. You can even be a politician and understand that your heart can be in peace even in the worse of adversity. President Barack Obama understood this very well when he visited the graves of children massacred in a mass shooting and said, “Our hearts are broken by their sudden passing.  Our hearts are broken and yet our hearts also have reasons for fullness.”

The key to developing a healthy mind is to train it so well that it becomes available at all times. Train it so well that it can be called up on demand not only when the world is friendly to you but also when it seems to be conspiring against you.

Getting to Know Your Mind Before you start to train your mind, let’s look inward at it. Let’s see what the mind looks like and what it does all day long. Let’s shine a light inward to see what we find there right now. Let’s do it together. 

Excerpt from book:  Happiness No Matter What!  

LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO YOUR POWERFUL SUBCONSCIOUS.

ARE YOU WORKING WITH YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND TO TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE?

You probably think that your subconscious mind is somewhere in your head, in the back of your brain, and that it is mostly not important. After all, it is “subconscious,” meaning not much activity there, a comatose state of consciousness, irrelevant perhaps. But that is wrong, and dangerously so.

You also may think that only the conscious mind is important and it is the centerpiece of your attention. And yes, it is a beautiful and powerful thing to cherish and feed and take care of, but it is not all that is involved in determining how you feel and live. You need to understand the profound role your subconscious mind plays in creating your life.

LET'S SEE HOW YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND WORKS AND WHAT IT DOES ALL DAY LONG.

The subconscious mind works in a very efficient and linear way. When a thought enters your mind and your mind decides it is true or keeps focusing on it, that thought gets imprinted in your subconscious mind. The subconscious mind is completely neutral, it has no opinions, and it just accepts the conscious mind’s conclusions and stores them in its files.

Although it is neutral and accepting, the subconscious is tremendously effective in vibrating the tune of the thought stored, magnetizing and attracting matching energetic vibrations from the Source.

Let me say this again because it is tremendously important:  Any thought that you repeat over and over in your mind, even if you do it without awareness, becomes a dominant thought. This thought will then be imprinted in your subconscious mind, from which it will vibrate in tune with similar energetic vibrations outside of your mind. It will attract the people, the events, the images, the synchronicities, and everything else that matches that thought.

Understanding the role of the subconscious highlights once again, the importance of training your mind to pay attention to and observe the quality of your thoughts. And knowing the “rules” of the subconscious allows you to take the steering wheel of your thoughts to create vibrations in your subconscious thaT correspond to that which you want to manifest.

We have from 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts a day. We saw in our First Principle what our mind left unchecked looks like and how it is congested with irrelevant—if not downright negative—thoughts. Thoughts such as: I can’t do it, I’m feeling awful, they’ll laugh at me, I’m too old, I’m too young, I don’t have experience, I’m not sure, I can’t think, I’m overwhelmed, that’s out of my league, I don’t have enough, I don’t have what it takes, I have bad luck, I’m fat, I never, I should, I always, etc.,etc., etc…

As you focus on these limiting thoughts, or just mindlessly repeat them, even if you think you are just joking, they are automatically transferred to your subconscious mind. From there, their vibrations magnetize all that is needed to materialize those dysfunctional thoughts into physical realities in your life.

I think at this point you will join me in learning how to reprogram your subconscious.

This is an excerpt from my book:  Happiness No Matter What! 

ON VALENTINE'S DAY: ENJOY YOUR LOVE!

WHAT IS TO LOVE.  WHAT IS TO TRULY LOVE.

The legendary spiritual teacher and author of the seminal book Be Here Now, Ram Dass, says that you are in love when you are in a state of Being.

It means the state you are in when you are aligned with the energy of your Self that is pure Love.

Love is your natural state and that is why when you feel it, your whole body and mind vibrate at higher frequencies. You feel it freely flowing through your entire body and mind, and you can’t seem to get enough of it.

You don’t “receive love” from somebody else and you don’t “give love” to another person—a lover, a father, a mother, a child, a pet, nature, or even our possessions. Love is not a verb, either. It is a feeling, an emotion; it cannot be given or received.

Love is a deeply felt experience you can have when you allow your Self to express through you, when you open the gates of your body and mind and allow the love of your Self to run through you.

From this deep reverence of what loving truly means, it follows that loving yourself entails that you connect with the love that is the essence of your Self and allow that love to run through your entire being. As that happens, you see yourself in terms that are loving, respectful, and kind to the core. Chances are you have not been taught this way and are not used to the feeling of being so connected to your Self that it pours down your whole body and mind.

But it is very important to your healthy state of mind and happiness that you allow yourself to experience the essence of love. This does not come naturally to most people, and so it must be learned. 

This is an excerpt from the book:  Happiness No Matter What!

There Are Three Kinds Of Friends. Which One Are You?

1.     Limelight friend.  You are the cheerleader of your friend’s success.  You feel your friend’s happiness as if it is yours, sometimes even more!  You celebrate her.  You are there with her every step of the way to stardom.  So happy for her that in the end it is: so happy for us!  You even think that you and she are just the same, the same tastes, same sense of humor, same values, same everything, dreams included.  You and she share it all!  It is a happy and tight bond.  

2.     Dark side of the moon friend.   Your friend is in the dark.  In a dark, dark, dark black whole.  You are there with her.  You feel the black whole, you suffer her anger, depression, frustration, as deeply as she does.  All her misery is yours too, you are so pleased to be able to share in her darkness, it becomes: our darkness!   You and she share it all!  The more her situation goes south, the closer you are to her. It is a miserable and tight bond.  

3.     The up and down and the in-betweens friend.  Your friend lives life as most of us do, with good days and periods of greatness and bad days and periods of frank ugliness.  You are there with and for her, surfing the waves of life.  You offer love and support but you do not make her life yours.  You find ways to help her in the ups and downs of life, with a certain spaciousness that allows you to see her pain and her glory, and be with her and for her, without getting into her drama.  A friend that really contributes to the friendship by being present and fully aware of the situation and how your friend feels.  You offer her a helpful friendship based on clarity.  It is a wise and tight bond.

I don’t know what kind of a friend I am.  But if I have to choose one of these three to be my friend, I choose the one that does not see me as her mirror.  That does not need to see me as an extension of herself, or as a validation of her best and worse moments and inclinations.  

A friendship that feeds of mine or of her drama, be it in greatness or in darkness is devoid of meaningful content.  It does not help either of us and it is just and overload to the nervous system and the mind.

Best test of friendship is to see what happens when the original bond weakens and changes.  If the change guides us into new avenues of growth, it is a great opportunity for re-building the relationship in more “real” and valid terms.  If, on the other hand, the relationship feels threatened by the change and is fearful of what change would mean, it is a relationship that is not contributing to our mutual growth and wholeness.   Sometimes we outgrow our relationships, and if we accept the fact with compassion and understanding, we can let go of them with integrity and love.

Do You Know How To Call Who You Really Really Are?

Of course I know who I am!  You will tell me:  "I am John or Marianne or Rupert, I am a doctor and I live in Chicago....".

All that seems to me that describes a name you were given, a profession you have chosen and a city where you happen to live.  But is that who you really are?  Is that your essence?  

And if that is not your essence what do you call who or what you really are?

The answer will differ, depending on your spiritual, religious, cultural, and/or philosophical tendencies. God, divinity, soul, Self, Christ, Jesus, Universe, love, light, Brahma, Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, Tao, Shiva, Yahweh, and Spirit are some of the more common names given to who we really, really are, and I agree with all of them. They all point to the same truth, and not one is better than another in describing your and my intrinsic natures as powerful and unlimited.

I choose to call my essence Self or Being. A particular instance or manifestation of the Source from which I, you, and everything else come into existence. It is divine in that it never dies, immensely creative, and abundant. It is love and its domain is the field of infinite possibilities. And we all share this same essence with everybody else on this planet. Only our external form is different, in the same way every single wave in the ocean is different from all others but they all share the same inherent “oceanic” quality.

You may be uncomfortable with such terms as godlike, divine, light, and love to describe your essence—and that is perfectly fine. You might choose instead to look at what science has to say on the nature of your human essence.

David Bohm, one of the founding fathers of quantum physics, illustrated the workings of a unified, undivided cosmos by saying that the universe works like a grand cosmic hologram. In a hologram, every portion of an object contains that object in its entirety, only on a smaller scale. Max Planck, the father of quantum theory, said that there is a matrix where the birth of stars, the DNA of life, and everything in between originates. Gregg Braden, scientist and best-selling New Age literature author, calls it the Divine Matrix.

It seems to me that they are talking about what the ancient scriptures of every major religion in the world already knew:  there is a Source from where we come and we are all part of it and we always stay connected to it. Maybe the name is Matrix, or God, or Self, Source, or Spirit. It is not important what we name it

So take your pick of what you want to call that core essence that is you. And if you have a good name for it, one that resonates more with you, use it instead of the one I suggest.

The naming is not important to the process of discovery and transformation.

What is profoundly important is that you know that there is so much more to who you think you are. That your authentic “I” has nothing to do with the ego and its limiting beliefs or with what the outside world has been telling you that you are.

Claim your inheritance!

You owe it to yourself to open up and enjoy the riches of your Self.

Jesus said, “Be still and know you are God.”

The Buddha said, “If you see the Buddha down the road kill him.” (You are your own Buddha).

Vedanta says, “Man, nature, and god are all the same.”

There Is A Kind Of Suffering That Affects Everybody In Our Western World.

Suffering is Human!

We talk about pain and suffering, but most of us think that we don’t suffer pain in our daily lives, only in extreme circumstances—if we are terminally ill, lose a loved one, or experience acute physical pain.

This is suffering, but it is only one kind of suffering. There is another kind that we bear most of the time but that we’re not aware of. It’s an emotional and psychological kind of suffering that affects everybody in our Western world.

We suffer all the time because we judge ourselves as not being or having enough of what people value in the world—money, education, health, wisdom—whatever it is we decide we need to have in order to be more, to place us higher on the success scale.

 Not reaching those standards renders us disempowered and unworthy—and that is a profoundly painful emotional experience. We shut down and become depressed.

 If we want to lead lives that are happy and whole, we need to come to terms with our suffering. Not as a “face reality and talk about it” exercise, but as an acknowledgement of the totality of who we are, and that includes our emotions and feelings.

 By facing the pain head-on, we can see what is really causing it, and begin to realize that we are suffering not so much because we didn’t get that promotion but because of our habit of considering ourselves “less than.”

 When we achieve full awareness of our suffering and its causes, we may still be upset for not fulfilling our expectations, but we will not experience the self-deprecating emotion of worthlessness. Become aware of your pain and begin the healing process of self-compassion.

 I love to quote one of my clients who said, “I wish I could treat myself like my GPS treats me. It just points the way and never tells me: I told you to turn left and you didn’t, look at where you are now, you cannot follow instructions and now you have no idea of where you are!”

Excerpt from my book, Happiness, No Matter What!

Self-Love Is Important For Your Wellbeing, But Make Sure You Know It Is Not Self-Esteem.

Self-esteem is not self-love.

As much as self-love does not seem to score high in the pursuit of wellness, self-esteem has everybody trying to get as much of it as they possibly can.

Self-esteem is a judgment of oneself, of your own worth.

The proponents of self-esteem as a measure of success suggest that in order to have good self-esteem you have to believe and feel you are indeed very successful. And the way you get there is by measuring yourself against everybody else, by being better than or superior to everybody else. It has gotten so out of hand that you cannot be average or “common” anymore.

To be considered successful, you have to be exceptional. Self-esteem is seen as an absolutely necessary ingredient in the formula used by school admissions officers as an indicator of performance. It has become a trusted Human Resources predictor of how you will do in your job.

The scale that measures your self-esteem values your aptitude for life: a low grade means that you are a loser with little value, while a healthy, high grade means that you have great value, therefore you are awesome. Because of the perceived importance of good self-esteem, people work hard to achieve it. This makes sense if you believe that as you raise your self-esteem, you raise your value in your own eyes and in the eyes of those who judge you.

This race to be awesome as fast as possible has been captured by a huge industry that promises to deliver big chunks of self-esteem if you buy whatever it is they are selling. It targets the whole gamut of human existence—cosmetics, plastic surgery, cars, housing, vacations, clothing, restaurants, schools, neighborhoods, even special courses and seminars. They all promise to make you feel better about yourself, to raise your value so that you can compete better in this world.

Not even children are spared from learning to be awesome. They play with toys that aim to be role models for the winners in this race, just like Barbie’s boyfriend “totally cool Ken” and other manufactured role models. 

I find this self-esteem doctrine that emphasizes your worth quite disruptive and damaging. It’s a recipe for a life riddled with anxiety and frustration that can easily lead to depression or delusional narcissism.

Another disquieting assumption of the self-esteem judgment underlying the need to be the best at whatever you do is that you are not allowed to make mistakes. You cannot have faults. Faults and mistakes show that you are not awesomely special! So when you do make a mistake or fall short of everybody’s expectations, you do not want to admit it, because accepting your mistakes would mean your worth is very little. It can be really devastating.

In our daily life we frequently reinforce this tendency to deny our flaws or mistakes and those of the people we love. If a friend is feeling miserable because he’s made a big mistake, your immediate reaction is to help him get over his “failure.” As most of us would, you’d probably help him feel good again by bringing up all the things that he does really well and all that he’s achieved. You repeat his triumphs again and again until he begins to get out of his misery and starts to agree with you. You and he together manage to restore his grandiose ego until he forgets about his mistake and he can move on to feeling awesome again, almost as good as “totally awesome Ken.”

Feeling good about yourself is a healthy attitude to have, and it’s important that you cultivate it. Having a good sense of your achievements and your talents and holding a positive and open view of your possibilities is an evolutionary and inspired way of living. But you do not get to that feeling by comparing and measuring your standing against others. You don’t value yourself by referring to a comparison chart.

Imperfection is part of being human. You and I and all of us have flaws and make mistakes. When you deny them because you are afraid of failing, of being a failure, you deny yourself the opportunity to work on them in ways that can be more life-enhancing and can contribute to creating an authentically good feeling about yourself.

I hope that soon the whole self-esteem obsession will give way to a better understanding of who we are and what we are made of, of how we deserve to treat ourselves with kindness, of how in kindness to ourselves we can contribute to the betterment of our lives, our societies, and the planet. But for now, let me assure you that self-esteem is not related to loving yourself.

An excerpt from my book, Happiness No Matter What!